Foolish Request of the Day -- Grill

Our office complex has a communal grill that is chained to the fence.

Submitted Request: Can you please unchain the grill so I can borrow it for a family BBQ I am hosting this weekend? Also, can you make sure it has a full tank of propane?

Secretary's Solution: Don't host a BBQ if you don't own a grill. The office grill isn't going anywhere, hence the chain.

His Reply: Come on, it is only for the weekend. I don't want to have to go to your boss.

My Reply: Feel free (as I provided my boss' email)

Boss' Memo to the Whole Company: The office appliances, kitchen tools and grill are not for personal use. Taking them from the office is prohibited. Thank you.

Foolish Request of the Day -- Scanning

Submitted Request: I needed scanning capabilities. Please let me up so I can scan as soon as possible.

Secretary's Solution: It is a communal, open-to-anyone scanner/fax. You came in this morning with scanning capabilities, use them wisely.

Foolish Request of the Day -- Folders

Submitted Request: I need some new folders. I would like mauve colored folders. Not purple, not lilac, not violet... MAUVE.

Secretary's Solution: All out of mauve folders. I only have gamboge, malachite and razzmatazz.

Requesters Response: What colors are those?

Boss' Response after overhearing request: Green, yellow and pink . Those are your options. End of discussion.

You've Got to be Kidding Me - Test

We had a new employee start recently. My first interaction from him was the following email --

"This is a test. I've never used email before."

Just as I finished reading, he showed up at my desk to see if I got the email.

We hired him to be our communications manager. Oh dear!

Foolish Request of the Day -- Paper Towels

Submitted Request -- There are hundreds of paper towels in my work space and down the hall. Please clean up, it looks hideous.

Secretary's Solution -- Your coworkers think so highly of you that they pulled a prank on you. I have left you some trash bags and gloves. Cleanup is all you, buddy.

You've Got to be Kidding Me -- Password

Employee of 14 Years -- "I changed my password on Friday because it said it was about to expire. Over the weekend, I forgot the new password. Help."

Secretary -- "Do I look like the IT department?"

Foolish Request of the Day - ID Card

Sent in from Leslie --

Submitted Request: I don't like the photo on my company ID card. Can you please update it with the pic I have attached? Thanks.

Secretary's Solution: After reviewing the photo you attached I am going to have to decline your request. A picture of you taking body shots off some nearly nude male is not ID worthy. Please send a more appropriate picture. Photos you are tagged in from Spring Break are not ideal for corporate viewing.

Foolish Request of the Day -- Screws

Submitted Request: A screw has fallen out of the arm of my new chair. I shaved a screwdriver trying to replace it. Can you please 1) Replace the new screw in my chair and 2) replace my destroyed screwdriver. I brought that from home.

Secretary's Solution: 1) No and 2) You break it, the company don't buy it.

Foolish Request of the Day - Chair

Submitted Request: The chair given to me when I started is made of plastic and doesn't breathe well. May I have a new chair?

Secretary's Solution: The last time I checked neither Hanes nor Playtex made office chairs. I am sorry, but you will have to manage with our plastic chairs.

Foolish Request of the Day - Wardrobe Malfunction

Submitted Request: There is a wickedly sharp corner on my desk and it has managed to put a hole in my new pair of trousers. Someone could get hurt, please fix immediately.

Secretary's Solution: Stop walking into your desk! However, to make sure this isn't life-threatening, I will have the maintenance guys take a look.

Foolish Request of the Day - More Paint Problems

Submitted Request: The half wall outside the cafeteria could use a fresh coat of paint. Thanks.

Secretary's Solution: You clearly need new glasses. That wall is glass and it would be ill-advised to paint it.

Humor

From perceptionvsfact.com

You've Got to be Kidding Me -- Router

One of our longest serving employees bought his dream retirement home. He decided to take a few days off to move and downsize his current home. The afternoon before he was to take a few days off he came to my desk and asked me, "Can I borrow a company router for four days? Don't worry it won't be hooked to the wifi here."

I just starred at him until he got the hint that his request was dumb and not going to happen. 

Foolish Request of the Day - Table Legs

Sent in from Julie -- 

Submitted Request: Can you please cut one half-inch off the legs of the new table I just bought for my office? It is slightly taller than my other office furniture. Thanks.

Secretary's Solution: No, I don't have a saw at my desk. If I did, you all should be concerned.

Foolish Request of the Day - Missing Photo

Submitted Request: My photo has gone missing from the company directory. Can you please use my profile photo from Facebook?

Secretary's Solution: I would be happy to take a photo of you at your convenience. It is against corporate policy to be on Facebook during business hours.

Boss' Response: I am sorry, we can't put a photo of you drinking shots off a bikini-clad female from Spring Break on our company directory. 

Bathroom Humor

Sent in from Becca --

Submitted Request: Someone failed to flush the toilet in the third floor ladies restroom. Can you please take care of that, it is beginning to smell. Thanks.

Secretary's Solution: Internal thought - Ummmmmm, I don't think so. External thought - Sorry, that is beyond my job scope.

Foolish Request of the Day - Ants

Submitted Request: There is an ant invasion currently commencing in my cube. Can you come clean or divert them?

Secretary's Solution: Internal thought - If you weren't the one who left the caramel apple on your desk then we wouldn't have this crazy conversation. External thought - I would be happy to alert the cleaning crew.

Foolish Request of the Day - Personal Credit Card

Submitted Request: I was approached by one of my co-workers who had lost their corporate credit card access due to 'mismanagement of funds.' He walked up to my workspace and outwardly asked to use my corporate card. I told him that I had lent it to a manager who was paying for some upcoming training courses for our employees. Without missing a beat he asked, "Well then, can I use your personal credit card?"

Secretary's Solution: Internal Thought - Are you crazy??? External Thought - Are you crazy???

You've Got to be Kidding Me - Employee Door

Our West facing employee door got jammed. The receptionist put up a pink sign on the door stating that the door is broken and for employees to use the East or North entrances.

One of our employees, we will call him Steve, emails the receptionist with the following golden nugget:

"The employee door on the West side isn't working. My key card won't work."

Steve then sat by the door waiting for someone to rescue him.

The receptionist saw him waiting on the security cameras and sent a fellow employee to get Steve. Steve then proceeded to verbally harass the receptionist as if the door jamming was her fault.

Some people's children.

Foolish Request of the Day - Allergy Meds

Submitted Request: "Can you please go to the store and get me medicine for my allergies?"

Secretary's Solution: Internal thought - When did I, or the company for that matter, become responsible for your personal allergies? External thought - No, it is against corporate policy to purchase personal medications for our employees.

Foolish Request of the Day - Fantasy Football

Submitted Request: "I don't want to look like I am not working, so as the admin can you organize and manage our office fantasy football league?"

Secretary's Solution: Ummmmmm, No! I have real work to do.

Foolish Request of the Day - Font Size

Submitted Request: “I’d like my desktop screen to show smaller print. Is that possible?

Secretary’s Solution: Internal thought - Are you kidding me? External response – Check your laptop settings. And don’t bother the IT guys with this, they have enough to work on.

Foolish Request of the Day - Server Access

Submitted Request: “Please grant me access to the server for general administrative tasks. Thank you.”

Secretary’s Solution: Which server? Which files? We don’t just grant access to the whole farm on a whim. Please be more specific when making requests.

Foolish Request of the Day - White Board

Submitted Request: “The white board that was hung above my computer came off when I was writing on it. I attempted to put it back, but unsuccessful. Please come securely re-attach. While you are at it, check the board above my file cabinet. I use these white boards throughout each day.”

Secretary’s Solution: We don’t supply white boards. If you have one, or more, you had to have hung it yourself. If it was there from a previous employee you inherited their unstable boards. If you need to secure them, google “how to hang a white board” and I am sure it will spit out some helpful resources. #ImNotYourMama.

You've Got to be Kidding Me - Craiglist

Sent in from Brooke - Seattle, WA

I am the admin assistant for an investment firm in Seattle. Several times a year I am asked to organize some employee fairs. In the past I have done book fairs, coffee fairs even BBQ cook-offs.

Recently, I was asked to work with the newest administrative assistant in the building by coordinating a bake sale/fair. This new admin, we will call her Jane, is six-foot tall, busty and blonde. The guys in our office love to watch her walk to-and-from meetings, but hate talking to her because I am told she isn't too bright.

Jane seemed to be an adequate admin until we began planning the agreed upon bake sale. She sent dozens of e-mails to the entire company asking questions that should have only gone to me and our team. However, the kicker would be how she opted to promote our company-only bake sale.

Three days before our bake sales was to take place, one of my managers sent me an email instructing me to check our local Craigslist site.

I followed his instructions and found this lovely advertisement:

"Seeking bake sale vendors. Do you like to bake? Have some tasty treats to share? Our company is looking for anyone who wants to participate. We have a few hundred employees who are looking for some home-baked goodness. (Inserted company name and address). Stations open at 8 a.m. Please e-mail Jane for details and station assignment."

I literally grabbed onto my desk to make sure I wasn't dreaming this. Jane actually posted an internal bake sale on Craigslist and was seeking outside vendors. I passed the information on to our security staff so they were aware and called it a day.

I am told Jane had a chat with her manager about giving out company details about internal events online.

What amazed me the most was that she did it AGAIN on the day of the event. She posted:

"We are having a bake sale today from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. and it is open to the public. We have many vendors with sugary sweets to sell. Please call Jane for directions."

It was a security and logistical nightmare. We had angry employees because the vendors who showed up had over-priced and undercooked baked goods; we had upset vendors because they either couldn't make it past security or didn't sell much.

Needless to say, Jane was terminated and our company is now limited to one fair a year. Plus, there is a handy new "online posting" section in our employee HR manual.

Foolish Request of the Day - Happy Lamps

Sent in from Paige --

From an employee who was only three days into her new position

Submitted Request: “Hello – I’d like to come check out what photos you have lying around so I can hang one or two on my bare office walls. Secondly – What is the status on my new cabinet? Lastly – do you have happier looking lamps?

Secretary’s Solution: Indicated that employee would need manager approval for all items not already supplied by the building management.

Her Boss’ Response: “Bring your own pictures; bring your own lamps; the cabinet provided is sufficient for your needs.”

Gotta love no-nonsense managers.

Oh No Factor

Sent in from Ashley --

We required the assistance of a temp today. She seemed nice and dressed very well. However it would be handy when hiring someone to sort mail, if the person wasn't blind.

Share a Fun Work Story

Hear ye, Hear ye all secretaries!

Do you have a silly story to share? Need to vent about something or someone? E-mail your silliness to secretaryunleashed@gmail.com.

Foolish Request of the Day - Personal Favor

Submitted Request: “Jerry said I could contact you for this request. I have a personal office chair in my shed at home. I would really appreciate you transporting it over to my office. I live about six miles from here. Would tomorrow work for you? Thank you!”

Secretary’s Solution: Internal thought – Do I look like a moving company to you? External response – I’m sorry Jerry gave you the impression we can accommodate this request. This request is outside of my responsibility. I cannot provide this service.

You've Got to be Kidding Me! - New Paint

From Jennifer --

I was walking to my workspace and turned on my computer. While my machine warmed up, I grabbed my coffee mug and headed toward the break room. As I headed to the break room something stuck me as off down the main hallway.

I stood in the hallway for what felt like hours trying to figure out what was off. My boss joined me, because he agreed that something was different.

“Someone painted the third office, puke green!!!!!” I shouted, which startled my boss. After confirming my observation with a nod, he disappeared back to his office.

I thought nothing else of it and went about my day.

A week after my boss and me discovered the rouge green wall, I wondered why none of the other offices had been painted. I was concerned the hallway was going to remain funky looking being that six of the offices were blue and now one in the middle was now green.

I had to satisfy my curiosity.

Being that I have a decent relationship with the janitors, I asked them why the wall had been painted.

Louie, the head janitor, leaned in over  to ensure no one else would hear and said, “Emma had the wall painted because the blue didn’t match her skin tone.”

I must have given him the death stare because he slowly backed away from me.

“Are you okay?” he inquired.

“No, no I’m not...” I said attempting to control my anger. “So, you're telling me that less than a month after Emma was hired, she decided to change the wall color of our corporate office because it didn’t match her SKIN TONE?!?!?!?”

“Yup,” Louis said as he headed toward the elevator.

Lesson: Corporate entitlement is the real-life version of the zombie apocalypse.

Foolish Request of the Day - Jammed

Submitted Request: "I have managed to get my laptop jammed in its docking station. I can't get the laptop out. I need to be able to get this laptop out by 9:30 a.m. because I need to attend a meeting I am hosting. It is possible that I may need a new docking station. Please come by at your earliest convenience."

Secretary's Resolution: Released the "locked" button on the docking station and sent my co-worker on their way. User error.